FPM (Food per minute)

!!! WARNING !!!THIS NOTE MAY SPARK CONTROVERSY !!! AND WILL MOST LIKELY CONTAIN SPELLING ERRORS AND PROBABLY SOME GRAMMATICAL PROBLEMS !!!

FPM (Food per minute, a.k.a. how fast you eat):

I've been meaning to write about this subject ever since I was told to slow down while eating for the first time. I think it went something like this, "Slow down, it's not a race." or "There's plenty of food for everyone." or "Don't inhale your food." or "You're sucking your food down like a vacuum." Yup, something like that, and it bothered me then, as much as it bothers me now.

Recently, and by recently I mean today, I went to lunch at The Shed (a really great BBQ place by the way). I ordered some baby back ribs and some potato salad. Now, I have never had baby back ribs, so needless to say I was excited on many levels. When the waitress brought me my hunk of meat it was as long as my arm and as wide as my leg. I was in awe. So, I started eating. And for my part, I feel like I ate at a pretty good speed, not too fast not too slow. Maybe around 30 FPM (note: The actual rate of food per minute will not be calculated and for this note's purposes I will be subjectively assigning numbers to the various speeds I think I ate at. Comprende?) So, you can call it my "socially acceptable" eating speed. But, in the course of eating my most delectable meal I was told by my class mates, one in particular, that I was eating so fast that I reminded him of the former hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi (Who, as we all know eats at an alarming 95 FPM, a far stretch from my FPM). He thought it would be cool to call me Lt Kobayashi. Now, I need you to know that I am actually fond of said class mate and think he's a cool guy, so it really didn't irk me that bad. It did however, add to the number of times that people have told me to slow down while eating, which in due course prompted me to write this note.

As a student of sociology/psychology/anthropology I understand norms and customs, and taboos as well as the next guy (maybe less, it's been a while since I was in school lol) but I am struggling to understand where this supposed bad habit/annoyance for others/taboo if you will, came into play.

I mean, what's the BIG DEAL people! It's not like I'm eating YOUR food for you, am I? And since I'm eating my food, and you're eating your food who cares if I eat at a slightly faster to a moderately faster pace than you. Because in the end, you will still have had dinner, and so will I. Is it that unbearable to eat with someone and talk with them if they don't have anything left to eat? Now, You're probably all saying, "Well what if he's making weird sounds while eating, or if he's spitting food out cuz he's eating so fast, or if he's talking while he's chewing, or what if he chokes while eating so fast?" And my dear friends and family, to that I say, any and all of you who have eaten a meal with me in the past have probably enjoyed it, and will most certainly know that I don't make weird sounds while I eat, and I most definitely don't spit food at you, and I have never really talked with food in my mouth, and if you are concerned about me choking to DEATH!!! because I eat too fast, don't be. Because you are looking at a guy who has plenty of experience with the Heimlich maneuver. In fact I can count in my head (a difficult skill I know) of 3 times when I have had to stop myself from choking. Once was bubble gum, I punched myself in the stomach and PATOOHIE!!! out it came, once while at a high school party with Eric Hansen and Ben Evjen and the rest, I choked on some pizza because I was laughing so hard. But you know what? I did a self-administered Heimlich on myself (This last phrase was approved by the department of redundancy department). And another time I was eating dinner, similar story similar ending. But I note, the chokings if you will, were not caused by my supposed alarming FPM rate. (I hope you like run on sentences as much as I do).

So please guys, tell me your beef with people eating "too fast" for you at a meal (and someone tell me where the term "beef" came from and why we use it in sentences like this). You won't offend me. You might not get a birthday present though =P (just kidding, I'm not a very good gift giver, so that was never an option in the first place suckas! my friends and family can attest to that lol.)

I just want to know what you're thinking when you tell a guy, or me, "Slow down turbo greased lighting McAllister III (I put the third because I'm the second i.e II and most people are too stupid to call me "The second" they usually end up calling me "The third" or complaining to me why I should be called "Jr"), you're eating TOO FAST!"

In the end, I probably won't listen to you or change my ways, because I know this one simple fact: I doesn't matter how fast I eat, God will still let me into heaven if I'm worthy to get in when I die. So there. =P And for that matter, he probably doesn't care about nose picking, or farting, burping, spitting, showering, brushing your teeth, etc. YES!!! I'm free of all these stupid cultural norms!!

Or course, I'm kidding about all those...except how fast I eat.