*Sigh* Times are tough

"Men wish to be saved from the mischiefs of their vices, but not from their vices." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Often times I feel exactly like the afore mentioned quote. It's been over 2 years since I met Allie and started dating her, and a year and a half since we broke up. Yet, I am still feeling the effects of our poisonous relationship. Many who knew me before I started dating Allie know I was a different person then. I was vibrant, alive, happier, more innocent. Today...well, today I am happier than I was when I was with Allie, but that's not saying much. I'm just bleh. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a crazy, suicidal, depressed emo. I'm just not as happy and fulfilled as I want to be.

I keep on a metaphorical mask to hide my feelings as best I can from the outside world. I liken myself unto the Japanese Noh actors of old. My mask are many. I do this so I don't spread my negative feelings and aura. Although, I've never really been all that good at hiding my emotions.

I suspect I am not surprising some with what I'm writing, others, I'm sorry if you don't understand.

“Our faith comes in moments; our vice is habitual” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I use to think I had faith, that I was faithful. Now days I wonder. I know where I want to be in life, spiritually, yet, for some reason I refuse to get there with my actions.

“Vices are often habits rather than passions” -Antoine Rivarol quotes

I think this is true in the long run, but personally, my passions kicked things off on the wrong foot.

Some have told me that I have learned valuable lessons from my experiences with Allie. This may be true, however, I think I could have learned the same lessons with less repercussions. I know I can't change the past, I am who I am now. I long for the days when I can feel the burden lifted. Some times I hate myself, and the situation I put myself in. I just needed to say this and update those who know. Sadly, I'm no better off than I was when I was dating Allie. I can only pray that I get my act together soon, I'd hate to die in this state.

An open letter to Allie:

Dear Allie,

I can't believe it's been this long since we dated. I can't believe I stayed with you so long! What the hell was I thinking?! I don't hate you, but I am upset with how our relationship went. I'm not sorry one bit that I broke up with you. I am sorry that you didn't get the counseling that I received. I hope your leaders didn't err. I hope the guy you married is patient, and boring. Because he's gonna need those qualities to get along with you and your damn family. I hope you learn to stick up for yourself against your family, those boring, manipulating, condescending people. I hope your husband earns enough, so you aren't tempted to leave him for wealth. In the end, I hope you learn from our relationship and change for the better and that you make it to the Celestial Kingdom. I'm hoping to be there too, by then, if I make it, I won't be as upset about all this and maybe we'll get a good laugh at all this, or maybe we won't. Have a good life Allie...

Truthfully,
Richard G. Hart II